My Son Should Be Arrested

911 Operator: "911. What is your emergency?"

Me: Hyperventilating. "Yes, hello. I need you to send an officer to my house. Right now."

911 Operator: "Calm down, ma'am. What is the situation? Are you safe?"

Me: "Yes, I'm safe, but this is a very dire, very urgent problem. I'll need you to send someone immediately."

911 Operator: "Okay, ma'am. I'm dispatching someone to your property as we speak. What is the nature of your emergency?"

Me: "Yes, it's nature."

911 Operator: Pauses. "No, I mean, what is the problem?"

Me: In a whisper. "It's my son."

911 Operator: "Speak up, ma'am. I cannot hear you. What is the problem?"

Me: Shouting in despair. "It's my SON!"

911 Operator: "Okay. Okay, ma'am. I'm sorry. I heard you this time. Please be calm so I can help you. What about your son, ma'am?"

Me: "It's an emergency. I need a police officer to come and talk with him. RIGHT NOW."

911 Operator: "What do you need the police officer to talk to him about? Is he armed? Dangerous?"

Me: "He's unarmed, and he is not dangerous, but this situation is an extreme emergency."

911 Operator: "What is the nature of the emergency ma'am? I need to tell the officer who is on her way."

Me: "It's because of nature. He needs to be arrested! I told you this already."

911 Operator:  Pauses. "He needs to be arrested for what, ma'am? Nature? I don't understand."

Me: "For nature. Yes. As I explained before." Shrieks of glee heard in the background.

911 Operator: Pauses. "I just heard some children in the background, ma'am."

Me: "Yes, that's him. He's one of them."

911 Operator: "He's one of them? One of the children?"

Me: "Yes, I just said that. Please hurry!"

911 Operator:  "How old is your son, ma'am?"

Me: "Which one?"

911 Operator: Sighs heavily. "The one about whom you are calling."

Me: "He's ten. He just turned ten."

911 Operator:

Me: "Hello?"

911 Operator: "Why does your ten-year-old son need to be arrested? Is he trying to hurt himself?

Me: "No, he hasn't hurt himself."

911 Operator: "Is he endangering any other people?"

Me: "No. Please tell the officer to hurry!" Dissolves into tears.

911 Operator: "Ma'am. It's okay, ma'am. The police officer will be there very soon. Please calm down so I can help you."

Me: "You can't help me. Only the officer can."

911 Operator: Pauses a beat. "How can she help when she arrives?"

Me: "I told you. She needs to arrest him. Where is she? Is she bringing her handcuffs?"

911 Operator: "We cannot arrest a ten-year-old boy, ma'am. That's not how things…"

Me: "BUT THIS IS A DIRE SITUATION!"

911 Operator: "Help me understand the situation, ma'am. Why should he be arrested?"

Me: "Because of what he told me." Sniffles. Blows nose loudly.

911 Operator: "Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. And what did your son tell you?"

Me: "I can't even say it. It's too horrible." More shrieks of laughter in the background.

911 Operator: "And because of what he told you, you think he should be arrested? Is that it?"

Me: "Yes. Now you're finally starting to get it."

911 Operator: "Can you tell me, word for word, exactly what he said?"

Me: "I don't think I can."

911 Operator: "I really think you should try, ma'am. That way, the officer will know what to do when she arrives."

Me: "Okay."

911 Operator: "So, what did he say?"

Me: "He said…" breaks down into tears.

911 Operator: "You can say it, ma'am. I'm listening. Go ahead."

Me: Openly sobbing.

911 Operator: "Ma'am, just say it. You'll feel better when you say it. Tell me what he said."

Me: "I can't do it."

911 Operator: Sighs heavily. "Yes, you can. Tell me."

Me: In a tiny squeak of a voice "He said he needed a new pair of shoes."

911 Operator: Pauses. "I'm sorry, what now?"

Me: "He said he needed a new pair of shoes."

911 Operator: "Yes, I heard that, but…I'm not getting why that means he should be arrested. What…"

Me: "HIS SIZE 7 SHOES DO NOT FIT HIM ANYMORE. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT? WE HAVE TO SHOP IN THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT, LADY!!!"

911 Operator: "Ma'am."

Me: "THAT MEANS HE'S GETTING BIGGER. IT MEANS HE'S GROWING UP!!!!"

911 Operator: "Okay. I think we all just need to calm…"

Me: "I NEED THIS OFFICER TO ARREST HIM IMMEDIATLEY FOR THIS VERY DIRE, VERY URGENT PROBLEM BEFORE HE BELIEVES THIS IS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR."

911 Operator: "Ma'am, have you taken any prescription or non-prescription…"

Me: "DO YOU WANT THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR TO CONTINUE?"

911 Operator: "Ma'am. Calm down."

Me: sniffling.

911 Operator:  "Yes, I do think this behavior should continue if he's a ten-year-old boy, ma'am. That's what they do. They grow up."

Me: "HOW DARE YOU, LADY. HOW DARE YOU."

911 Operator: Sighs with exhaustion.

Me: "I'LL HAVE YOUR JOB. I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED!"

911 Operator: "That's not how things work, ma'am. You can't just have people arrested for things you don't like them doing. Little boys grow up. That's what they do."

Me: Breathing deeply in anguish.                

911 Operator: "Are you okay?"

Me: "No. I am not okay, thank you very much."

911 Operator: "It's all right ma'am. You will be fine. Should I call an ambulance for you? Do you need someone to talk to?"

Me: "I'm already talking to you."

911 Operator: "Yes, I know that. I mean someone who can help you accept that your son needs bigger shoes?"

Me: "No." Little boys chatter in the background.

911 Operator:  "Is that your son?"

Me: "Which one?"

911 Operator:  "The one we've been talking about."

Me: "Yes. He's showing his little brother how his toes are pushing against the ends of his shoes."

911 Operator:  "Maybe, instead of calling 911 and asking us to arrest him, you should take him shopping for new shoes."

Me: "You think I should?"

911 Operator: "Yes. I think you should."

Me:

911 Operator: "You still there?"

Me: "I'm thinking."

911 Operator: "About getting off this phone and taking him for a pair of new shoes?"

Me: "No, I'm trying to figure out how this ten-year-old boy was just asleep in my arms six minutes ago and now his feet are bigger than mine. How did that happen?"

911 Operator: "Like you said before, ma'am….it's nature."

Me: "Well, can you send someone to arrest nature?"

911 Operator: "That's now how this….never mind. I hope you have a good day, ma'am. The police officer will be there any minute and you can talk to her about it, okay?"

Me: "Make sure she brings the handcuffs."