Phebe Survived Both of her Miscarriages

All I ever wanted was love. My father didn't know how to reach me. I know longer fault him for that. There is still distance between us, but I try to bridge the divide with laughter.

During my younger days - very long hard days of wanting love - I left the country and lived in Ghana for over a decade. I volunteered with my family's nonprofit organization, Oiada Inc. Int'l, and did everything from dressing up like a clown to entertain orphaned children, to dressing up like a needle for sick kids, rapping, dancing, singing, and cooking all over the country.

I did not expect to fall in love but I did, and I fell hard.

We got married, and five years later, I got pregnant. Eights weeks after that, we lost the baby. I sobbed for what felt like an eternity. I was completely broken, gaining 20 pounds in 2 months. I can remember lying in bed with my husband feeling like this was my fault. So I told him that I was going to take a shower. I walked into the bathroom, turned on the water then I laid on the bathroom floor in a fetal position feeling absolutely broken. I told God, I feel broken, like I can't recover and I didn't know how to make it to the next moment, to the next day, but I did.

Some time went by, and I got pregnant again and we had our first child. She was beautiful and chubby and more than anything I could've imagined. We got pregnant again before she was two. 15 weeks into that pregnancy we were told after the ultrasound that our baby wasn't growing, and that, in fact, I was in the middle of a miscarriage.

I was in denial even though I felt the cramping.

I went to my auntie and laid in her bed, and as she held me, I screamed in horror and pain as I felt my baby falling out of me. My cousin ran for my husband because although the baby was gone, the blood wouldn't stop. My other auntie who is a midwife tried to stop the bleeding in the car on the way to the hospital as I was finding it hard to stay conscious. I remember my husband asking, "Is the baby ok? Is the baby ok?" and my heart shattered even though I was half out of it. Even though my heart was already broken, it still felt like a sword pierced me. I almost died that day in more ways than one.

Two weeks later, I found myself on the bathroom floor yet again, but this time I fell deeper. I told God that I needed Him to hold my soul because I didn't know how I was gonna get up. Then I heard my baby girl calling me, and I found the strength to stand for her.

I now have three children. They're all beautiful models of strength that keep me alive. They force me to live harder, be stronger, and fight for happiness everyday. I am now an award-winning author, full time mom on the path to opening a new business with my brother. All and all things are looking up and I'm proud to be happy!